Parenting a special child

I love my son. He is my reason for breathing. That does not mean that everything is puppy dogs and rainbows. Drama has Aspergers and Life Threatening Food Allergies. Being a single parent is HARD. Being a single parent of a special needs child is even harder. 

Before I get started I want to acknowledge that I am fully aware that there are kids worse off than Drama. I know it could be a worse situation. That doesn't make what we go through on a daily basis any easier.

Something happened when this child hit 10. He got a lot more harder to control. He started being a lot more moody. I blame this on the start of puberty. It seems to have made his Asperger symptoms magnified. It's also made him ashamed of his food allergies.

He knows he is different. He sees when kids don't want to play with him. When they make rude comments about him being weird, he hears that and it hurts him like it would anyone. He has said he doesn't know why God "did this to him". He has been depressed. His therapist told me that kids like him are at risk for suicide. I don't have to only worry that food is going to kill my child, now I have to worry about him harming himself.

All he talks about are video games. This is pretty normal for a child with Aspergers who has this niche. I think it is extremely annoying. I try so very hard to listen as much as my ear drums can handle and then I simply tell him that he has reached his limit on video game talk for the day. Sometimes I'm not so nice about it if he continues. 

I try to explain to him that not everyone wants to hear about video games, but he continues to talk to anyone who will listen and mostly at the most inopportune times. For instance to a waitress who is taking our order, during Sunday school, random passers by. I'm serious. It's a major problem. Sometimes I take him to gamestop just so he has someone to talk to.

 He labeled this pic as "Deal with it"

Lately he has been so ashamed of his food allergies. Take for instance last nights Trunk or Treat at church. He said it was embarrassing that he couldn't eat the food they had. He didn't even want to go because half the candy he is allergic to. I told him he didn't have to say anything and we would seperate it out when we got home. He refuses to wear any kind of food allergy awareness apparel. My involvement in the food allergy community has dwindled because it embarrasses him so much. He hates being different. This is very scary to me. I worry that when he is older he may not tell someone he has allergies and he could die if he eats anything with nuts in it. A lot of food allergy deaths happened with teenagers. That's when over protective moms aren't hovering to make sure their kids food is safe. Teens may be more unlikely to ask if something is safe for them to eat or check ingredients because they don't want to be made fun of. They want to belong.

          Trunk or treat at church

Drama is getting to where he is a lot stronger than me. If he has a bad meltdown it is almost impossible to put him in a therapeutic hold. He could definitely hurt me if he tried. 

I would do anything to take this all away from him. He feels so defeated having food allergies and autism. He wants to be normal. He longs to have a Dad. Having a Dad who was in the picture would definitely make our lives easier. I think 50% of the stress would be gone. It's hard being the only one who makes the decisions about your child's health. If something happened to me, I'm not confident anyone could do what I am currently doing for him.

What people don't see is the schooling he does. He does his school online because it's so much easier than putting him in a school where he is at risk of an allergic reaction and having to deal with bullies. He thrives better being homeschooled. People say, what about socialization? I invite those people to observe him around other children at church. Kids know when someone is different. Not that many kids choose to play with him. When he was in public school his teachers said he stayed with the teachers talking their ears off or he played by himself. I've overheard kids saying "we don't want to play with him". It's hard for a mom to hear. There are a couple of sweet kids who do play with him and when that happens my hearts bursts with happiness.

I'm hoping with more therapy he will do better socially. 

He has great strengths. I believe he will do something great in the field of technology. It's going to take a lot of sacrifice but one day everyone will want to know him. He is the smartest person I know. He knows more about computers and gaming consoles than I could ever know. He mourned the loss of Nintendo's President. There were tears. He is fully invested in becoming the first American President of Nintendo. I would love to take him to a gaming convention. I feel like he would meet so many people he could relate to and feel like he belonged. He has begged me to take him to MineCon but it was in the UK this year and flying is definitely not happening any time soon. Hopefully next year it will be in Florida. 

     Future President of Nintendo

Drama is unique. I would not trade him for anything in the world. This is my purpose in life. To raise this brilliant child and to help him achieve greatness. It's been a long hard road and I am sure we have a lot more to overcome but by the Grace of God we will make it. We are all given our paths for a reason. I'm glad God chose this as my path.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

It's October! October is my favorite month out of the whole year. I LOVE Fall. Everything about fall. The cool weather. Bonfires. Pumpkin spice everything. Scarves. Halloween. October is also Domestic Violence Awareness and Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness month. I've already shared my Domestic Violence story so I am going to share my pregnancy loss story. It's one not too many people know about.

So there's this guy. There's always a guy, right? We were neighbors in Kodak. We lived in a very country community. He lived down te road from me and we were best friends as long as I can remember. We were inseparable. We went to school together up until he moved away in 2nd or 3rd grade. 

I was in Highschool when AOL and the internet became big. Somehow we found each other and began chatting online. It was like we were never seperated. It was amazing that even though we were apart for so long we became close again in no time. It was almost like fate. We dated for two years and he told me he wanted to marry me and he would never leave me. We had a very serious relationship.

I started feeling sick and went to the doctor and found out I was pregnant. The whole world came crushing down on me. I couldn't believe it. When I told him he begged me to have an abortion. He said it was the only way that we could stay together, that if I kept the baby he would break up with me. 

There's no way I was going to have an abortion even though several people tried to talk me into one. So he broke up with me. He left me. This guy who a week before was telling me he wanted to marry me and he would never leave me. This guy who I had known since we were in diapers. I was in shock and despair. I went through my pregnancy alone. My family was ashamed of me. My boyfriend left me. 

I went to my 12 week checkup and the nurses told me I had made it past 3 months so I was past the safe mark. The gave me a diaper bag and samples. I remember I had picked out these little white shoes. I sang every night to my baby. I talked to her. I already had her name picked out. Arianna. I felt so alone in the world but I knew when she got there we would be okay. 

I went to Kentucky with my cousin and that's when I knew something was wrong. I was hurting too bad. We got back home and I called the doctor. They told me to come in. That's when they did the ultrasound and said there wasn't a heartbeat. My ex came to the hospital.  Not sure who called him but he held my hand. That's the last time I saw him.

 I can't explain what I felt in that moment. That kind of loss just takes the life out of you. I had to have surgery. Afterwards I entered a very deep depression. Nothing no one said or did made me feel an ounce better. I just wanted to sleep. It took a very long time to start breathing again. 

I can say that time does not heal these kind of wounds. I think about Arianna a lot. I Imagine her playing in heaven with my Grand Daddy. I've dreamed about her. I know she would have been an awesome big sister to Elijah. I hope she watches over him. 

Because the hurt is so deep, I can not imagine experiencing multiple pregnancy losses or the loss of a child. I pray God eases all the pain and comforts us. 

I know that was a very big part of my life and it steered me to go through some things that have made me a stronger person today. I am closer to God for it. “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.”

Matthew 5:4 KJV