Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

It's October! October is my favorite month out of the whole year. I LOVE Fall. Everything about fall. The cool weather. Bonfires. Pumpkin spice everything. Scarves. Halloween. October is also Domestic Violence Awareness and Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness month. I've already shared my Domestic Violence story so I am going to share my pregnancy loss story. It's one not too many people know about.

So there's this guy. There's always a guy, right? We were neighbors in Kodak. We lived in a very country community. He lived down te road from me and we were best friends as long as I can remember. We were inseparable. We went to school together up until he moved away in 2nd or 3rd grade. 

I was in Highschool when AOL and the internet became big. Somehow we found each other and began chatting online. It was like we were never seperated. It was amazing that even though we were apart for so long we became close again in no time. It was almost like fate. We dated for two years and he told me he wanted to marry me and he would never leave me. We had a very serious relationship.

I started feeling sick and went to the doctor and found out I was pregnant. The whole world came crushing down on me. I couldn't believe it. When I told him he begged me to have an abortion. He said it was the only way that we could stay together, that if I kept the baby he would break up with me. 

There's no way I was going to have an abortion even though several people tried to talk me into one. So he broke up with me. He left me. This guy who a week before was telling me he wanted to marry me and he would never leave me. This guy who I had known since we were in diapers. I was in shock and despair. I went through my pregnancy alone. My family was ashamed of me. My boyfriend left me. 

I went to my 12 week checkup and the nurses told me I had made it past 3 months so I was past the safe mark. The gave me a diaper bag and samples. I remember I had picked out these little white shoes. I sang every night to my baby. I talked to her. I already had her name picked out. Arianna. I felt so alone in the world but I knew when she got there we would be okay. 

I went to Kentucky with my cousin and that's when I knew something was wrong. I was hurting too bad. We got back home and I called the doctor. They told me to come in. That's when they did the ultrasound and said there wasn't a heartbeat. My ex came to the hospital.  Not sure who called him but he held my hand. That's the last time I saw him.

 I can't explain what I felt in that moment. That kind of loss just takes the life out of you. I had to have surgery. Afterwards I entered a very deep depression. Nothing no one said or did made me feel an ounce better. I just wanted to sleep. It took a very long time to start breathing again. 

I can say that time does not heal these kind of wounds. I think about Arianna a lot. I Imagine her playing in heaven with my Grand Daddy. I've dreamed about her. I know she would have been an awesome big sister to Elijah. I hope she watches over him. 

Because the hurt is so deep, I can not imagine experiencing multiple pregnancy losses or the loss of a child. I pray God eases all the pain and comforts us. 

I know that was a very big part of my life and it steered me to go through some things that have made me a stronger person today. I am closer to God for it. “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.”

Matthew 5:4 KJV