What is it like to be suicidal? WARNING READ DISCLAIMER

*****DISCLAIMER*****

If you have a mental illness reading the following could be triggering. Please do not read any further. If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

***Blogger is being stupid and I can not uncapitalize this post. I have tried everything. In the draft everything is normal but on the website it is caps so I apologize.

Hello! If you are reading my blog for the first time my name is Candice. I am a single Mom who homeschools her teenage son. A lot has happened in the past two years. I have been largely absent from this blog and everything I used to love. I lost someone who was once my everything. She was my best friend from the time I was 11 until my twenties. We went through a lot together. We had a lot of firsts together. She was my confidante. The only person in the world who knew all my secrets.

We also suffered trauma together. She lost her Mom to suicide right before her 16th birthday. Her Mom suffered from a mental illness and tragically took her life by jumping off a bridge. My friend would never be the same after that. We both fell into drugs and alcohol. I remember one morning she confided in me that she took a handful of sleeping pills to see if she would wake up. That was the only time I remembered her saying something about feeling suicidal.

We both struggled with addiction. Anything to numb the pain, we did it. I honestly have no idea how neither one of us ended up in a hospital. My heart problem ended my addiction and my friend mellowed out on her own. We both got really good jobs at a medical billing facility. I noticed little things about her behavior starting to change. She started getting really paranoid. I felt like something was wrong and tried to get her help.

That is when we stopped being close. She didn't trust me anymore. We still kept in touch but we didn't see each other as much. She had multiple suicide attempts. The last one she miraculously woke up from. The organ donation people were speaking with her family about donating her organs. The Dr said she was brain dead. I was on my way to the hospital to say goodbye to her. When I got there they said she woke up. She had a long recovery and had talked about putting her in a facility but she didn't go.

After she was released by the Hospital she was sent to a nearby mental hospital. The mental hospital didn't keep her. They let her go after a few days of a mandatory hold. A few months later she went missing. I looked everywhere for her or any sign of her. Her picture was on the news. Her family spoke to the news to raise awareness and try to help locate her. They found surveillance video of her walking towards the same bridge her Mother jumped off of. After that, it was now a body recovery search. She finally succeeded in doing what she had tried so hard to do before.

They had a search and rescue team search the water. They didn't find her and her family and I search the banks. I am glad we weren't the ones to find her and I kept hoping and praying she changed her mind and turned around but they found her car nearby. They finally found her body and we laid her to rest. I mourned like I have never mourned someone before. The day we buried her I left the funeral and drove straight to the bridge. I am terrified of heights but that day it was like I floated up there. It was snowing and my tears were freezing immediately to my face. I looked at the railing and for a moment I thought how easy it would be to just climb over it and join her.

My faith in God was shaken after. He did not hear my cries. He did not comfort me. I felt like he turned his back on me. I was so numb. I went through the motions for months. Just kept playing church while my faith was dying inside. I ended up quitting church. This is someone who was there every time the doors opened. Involved in everything. I was disgusted with myself. I did everything for God. Where was he? I felt like everything I did for him was not enough. I felt underappreciated and bitter. I was constantly sick and used it as an excuse to drop out. I closed myself up in my house and off from the outside world.
I would take care of my son and that was it. I slept for hours and sometimes didn't get out of bed for days. I still believe in God. That has never changed. My prayer life has changed. In my mind, God is going to do what he wants to do regardless of someone like me praying for change. Why would he listen to the wailings of someone so dirty and evil like me? I have seen multitudes pray for healing to only be wrought with heartache when healing doesn't come.

Now that you know my friends story, here is my story. I want people to know what it is like to feel despair. I have been suicidal. It isn't something I asked for. No one asks to wake up not wanting to be alive. I am going to speak from my experience. Other people may feel different but I feel like it is important to get this out there. If something were to ever happen to me. It wouldn't be anyone's fault other than maybe the mental health institution in America. I have spoken to my Psychiatrist and other Doctors about my feelings. It is weird to tell a Doctor that you can't stop thinking about suicide and they just look at you and say that the only thing they can do is try some medicine or therapy. It makes me think of my friend who committed suicide and how this system failed her.

I DON'T WANT TO DIE.

I am actually terrified of the thought of death. This is something so confusing to anyone who is not in my head. I have Bipolar, PTSD, and Panic Disorder. I have high highs and very low lows.

I WANT TO GET BETTER

I am currently on 4 different medications to help with my depression, mood, and anxiety. At this moment of writing, none of them are helping. I have tried every medication. The one medication that I have been on for 17 years, the withdrawals are so bad my Dr. is afraid to take me off of it.

NEW TREATMENT

I am excited about the new ketamine treatment. I am scared that many of the people who suffer from mental illness won't be alive to get it. Ketamine infusion is expensive. This medicine could keep someone from committing suicide however it isn't affordable. The FDA has approved a medicine called Spravato that will be available soon. It will only be available in a Doctors office. It is a new medication which means it will be expensive and may not be covered by insurance.

THOUGHTS

I don't hear voices. I don't have hallucinations. I do have racing thoughts. I can be driving down the road and think, what if I just drove head on into this tree? I used to drive over a bridge every day to work. I lost cound of how many time I thought about speeding up to see if I could break through the concrete barrier to the lake below. Some thoughts are from Lucifer himself. Your child would be in better hands if you just killed yourself. You have zero friends and no one could possibly love you, you should do everyone a favor and just kill yourself. There are a lot worse that I can not even type out.

I know what the effects of suicide has had on a child and I would never intentionally kill myself. Even if I thought my son would be better off, I know that it would mess him up and he could eventually committ suicide himself. This is not an illness I would ever wish on my worst enemy. I hope that my illness is based on the drugs I did and not hereditary. I don't want my son to feel the way I do. I don't want anyone to feel like this. Just the feeling like you don't deserve to be alive. I don't feel worth of anyones love. I crave that intimacy but at the same time I don't think anyone could possibly love someone like me. I would be doing someone a disservice to let them get close to me.

I can only wait for this new treatment and maybe it will be the miracle the papers are saying it is. It would be a new life. A new beginning for so many with mental illness. I also believe it would save lives but only if it is made accessible. Thank you for reading and I hope it has given you some insight into the growing epidemic in this country especially with teenagers. Learn the signs and check on people who you have a feeling about. Statistics have shown that just a kind word or talk can change someone's mind about killing themselves. Always vote when you can and write to your representatives about strengthening mental healthcare in America.

                                                         General Statistics (USA)

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US for all ages. (CDC)

Every day, approximately 123 Americans die by suicide. (CDC)

There is one death by suicide in the US every 12 minutes. (CDC)

Depression affects 20-25% of Americans ages 18+ in a given year. (CDC)

Suicide takes the lives of over 44,965 Americans every year. (CDC)

The highest suicide rates in the US are among Whites, American Indians and Alaska Natives.

Only half of all Americans experiencing an episode of major depression receive treatment. (NAMI)

80% -90% of people that seek treatment for depression are treated successfully using therapy and/or medication. (TADS study)

An estimated quarter million people each year become suicide survivors (AAS).

There is one suicide for every estimated 25 suicide attempts. (CDC)

There is one suicide for every estimated 4 suicide attempts in the elderly. (CDC)

Global Statistics

For more information on suicide stats by region and country visit the World Health Statistics Data Visualizations Dashboard.

Nearly 800,000 people die by suicide in the world each year, which is roughly one death every 40 seconds.

Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death in the world for those aged 15-24 years.

Depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide.

Gender Disparities

Suicide among males is 4x’s higher than among females. Male deaths represent 79% of all US suicides. (CDC)

Firearms are the most commonly used method of suicide among males (51%). (CDC)

Females are more likely than males to have had suicidal thoughts. (CDC)

Females experience depression at roughly 2x’s the rate of men.(SMH)

Females attempt suicide 3x’s as often as males. (CDC)

Poisoning is the most common method of suicide for females. (CDC)

Age Disparities

1 in 100,000 children ages 10 to 14 die by suicide each year. (NIMH)

7 in 100,000 youth ages 15 to 19 die by suicide each year. (NIMH)

12.7 in 100,000 young adults ages 20-24 die by suicide each year. (NIMH)

The prevalence of suicidal thoughts, suicidal planning and suicide attempts is significantly higher among adults aged 18-29 than among adults aged 30+. (CDC)

Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for 15 to 24 year old Americans. (CDC)

Suicide is the 4th leading cause of death for adults ages 18-65. (CDC)

The highest increase in suicide is in males 50+ (30 per 100,000). (CDC)

Suicide rates for females are highest among those aged 45-54 (9 per 100,000). (CDC)

Suicide rates for males are highest among those aged 75+ (36 per 100,000). (CDC)

Suicide rates among the elderly are highest for those who are divorced or widowed. (SMH)

Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

Lesbian, gay, and bisexual kids are 3x more likely than straight kids to attempt suicide at some point in their lives.

Medically serious attempts at suicide are 4x more likely among LGBTQ youth than other young people.

African American, Latino, Native American, and Asian American people who are lesbian, gay, or bisexual attempt suicide at especially high rates.

41% of trans adults said they had attempted suicide, in one study. The same study found that 61% of trans people who were victims of physical assault had attempted suicide.

Lesbian, gay, and bisexual young people who come from families that reject or do not accept them are over 8x more likely to attempt suicide than those whose families accept them.

Each time an LGBTQ person is a victim of physical or verbal harassment or abuse, they become 2.5x more likely to hurt themselves.

Copied from: https://save.org/about-suicide/suicide-facts/

Working from home with Concentrix and LiveOps

Concentrix:
I LOVE working from home. I suffer from a variety of medical problems. Working from home was something of a necessity. Finding a legit work from home job was pretty easy. I went to Pinterest and search for 'legit work from home job'. From there I perused the job recommendations and checked their legitimacy through the BBB and looked at the reviews from people who worked there through indeed.com and glassdoors.com. Reviews are important to look at. You can get some insight on how the company is run and most reviews are raw and blatantly honest which I like. My first work at home job was Concentrix. Concentrix paid 10$ an hour. We were paid for training. I had to provide internet, landline, and computer. Your computer has to be hardwired which is pretty standard to work at home. The thing I did not like about Concentrix is the training. When I got thrown to the wolves. (Taking calls for the first time) I did not feel prepared. I felt so bad for the customers who I was trying to help. There was inadequate training, the supervisors and trainers were completely disorganized. They had no clue what was going on. They didn't do much "training". When it came time to do nesting, we were supposed to have two weeks of listening to live calls, taking a few calls with someone listening in and getting feedback, and some more training. However, we were just dumped into the queue and forced to take calls. It was a mess and a lot of people ended up quitting. It is overwhelming when you don't know what you are doing and having to use a system you haven't been trained on yet. I stayed with Concentrix for a couple of months. I just learned that I wasn't going to get help from anyone but myself. I trained myself and I liked helping the customers. I got paid on time. There wasn't a lot of communication from my team leader. I really felt like I was on my own. In the end, I decided to end my employment there. Turnover is very high for them. I feel like if they would have spent more time training their employees and making sure they were comfortable with the system then they wouldn't lose so many agents. You also can not log off to go to the bathroom. You have to request permission and wait for someone to get back to you before you can log off. Calls are long for certain clients. I worked with the Intuit program and my calls could last up to an hour and a half. If someone doesn't get back with you about a break you could be stuck on the phone. Same thing with Lunch. You have a scheduled lunch, however, you still have to request to take it. Concentrix is a good job if you are self-motivated, enjoy being left alone to figure out the system yourself, and you just want to make money. There is good money in it and lots of over time.

https://careers.concentrix.com/career-details.php?id=R-91278

LiveOps:

This is a company that I was interested in working for but decided it was not for me. LiveOps provides you work as an independent contractor. You essentially own your own business. Therefore you have to pay your own taxes. It is a call center. You invoice them for your talk time. Now here is the tricky part. They do not pay for training. The AAA roadside assistant job that I was going to train for was 5 weeks of training. That is five weeks that you are not getting paid. I have to pay 45$ for a background check and 50$ for a keyfob that provides a token for two-factor authorization for the AAA systems. After the first day of kick off, I decided I was not going to be able to do this job. I could not wrap my head around everything that was required to own your own business. Also if you don't get calls then you are sitting there not getting paid. You are only paid for talk time and they ask that you make the calls short because that is better for the client.

Another reason I decided not to do LiveOps is that I finally got a job at Amazon!!! I have been applying to them for a year and a half. The training coincides with some of the LiveOps training and I didn't want to get confused on the systems or the scripts. I have been waiting for this job because Amazon is supposed to be a really great work at home job doing customer service. I want to focus on Amazon and once I get settled I may pick up some part-time hours at another company but being an independent contractor did not seem like a good business opportunity at the moment. I need guaranteed funds.

Again LiveOps may be right for you if you are interested in working for yourself. You do get to schedule your own hours. You work as much or as little as you want. They do have a minimum of 15 hours per week. You have to invoice them for your call time and pay your own taxes.

https://join.liveops.com/work-from-home-call-center-jobs/

Remember to do your own research. Read reviews. You will need to have a computer. Check out the computer requirements before you apply. Many also require a landline and ethernet. These two are legit work at home opportunities. There just were not right for me at the moment.

Losing sleep for Space X Crew Dragon

I am an insomniac. I have a lot of trouble falling asleep and usually am awake until 3am, every night. I have been trying to work harder to get settled earlier. Eschew caffeine after 4. Disconnect from media. Meditate. Pray The Lord's Prayer a million times. Talk God's ear off. Anything to get me in a place of rest. Well, this week Science is working against me. From watching the liftoff of Dragon at 2:49 EST and then watching it dock early in the morning. It undocked this morning around 3am and I was back up at 7:30 am to watch Crew Dragon splashdown. Yes, I went back to sleep after. I am very excited about what is happening here in the US with our space program. It is time that we launch our astronauts on American soil. I have new videos on my YouTube channel. Subscribe!

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I need to come out of the closet. I am an Astrophile.

What is an Astrophile? An Astrophile is defined as a lover of the stars; a person who is interested in astronomy as an amateur or non-expert according to the Oxford dictionary. I love space. I love everything about it. I have been interested in astronomy for as long as I can remember. From the first rocket my brother got as a child. It was exciting to watch my dad and brother put together the rocket and launch it into the sky. Where I grew up we were so close to the stars. We lived in Appalachia where there was zero light pollution. It was almost as if you could reach out and touch the stars. When night came it was like the veil came off the world allowing us to see into the heavens. Now I live close to Knoxville, TN. I still somewhat live in the country but there is light pollution. I can't reach out and touch the stars as I did as a kid.  One of the trips on my bucket list is to go to Cades Cove in the Smokey mountains to star gaze. I would love for my son to have that same magical moment I did as a child. I have many theories why we as humans are drawn to the stars. Theologically speaking, we were not made for this world. We have a longing to be somewhere else. I have a longing to be somewhere else. Somewhere that is not here on Earth. I envy the Astronauts in the International Space Station. To be up there isolated living among the stars and having a front-row seat to literally the best view in the world. It is amazing. I hope to post more about Space in the upcoming months.