What is it like to be suicidal? WARNING READ DISCLAIMER

*****DISCLAIMER*****

If you have a mental illness reading the following could be triggering. Please do not read any further. If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

***Blogger is being stupid and I can not uncapitalize this post. I have tried everything. In the draft everything is normal but on the website it is caps so I apologize.

Hello! If you are reading my blog for the first time my name is Candice. I am a single Mom who homeschools her teenage son. A lot has happened in the past two years. I have been largely absent from this blog and everything I used to love. I lost someone who was once my everything. She was my best friend from the time I was 11 until my twenties. We went through a lot together. We had a lot of firsts together. She was my confidante. The only person in the world who knew all my secrets.

We also suffered trauma together. She lost her Mom to suicide right before her 16th birthday. Her Mom suffered from a mental illness and tragically took her life by jumping off a bridge. My friend would never be the same after that. We both fell into drugs and alcohol. I remember one morning she confided in me that she took a handful of sleeping pills to see if she would wake up. That was the only time I remembered her saying something about feeling suicidal.

We both struggled with addiction. Anything to numb the pain, we did it. I honestly have no idea how neither one of us ended up in a hospital. My heart problem ended my addiction and my friend mellowed out on her own. We both got really good jobs at a medical billing facility. I noticed little things about her behavior starting to change. She started getting really paranoid. I felt like something was wrong and tried to get her help.

That is when we stopped being close. She didn't trust me anymore. We still kept in touch but we didn't see each other as much. She had multiple suicide attempts. The last one she miraculously woke up from. The organ donation people were speaking with her family about donating her organs. The Dr said she was brain dead. I was on my way to the hospital to say goodbye to her. When I got there they said she woke up. She had a long recovery and had talked about putting her in a facility but she didn't go.

After she was released by the Hospital she was sent to a nearby mental hospital. The mental hospital didn't keep her. They let her go after a few days of a mandatory hold. A few months later she went missing. I looked everywhere for her or any sign of her. Her picture was on the news. Her family spoke to the news to raise awareness and try to help locate her. They found surveillance video of her walking towards the same bridge her Mother jumped off of. After that, it was now a body recovery search. She finally succeeded in doing what she had tried so hard to do before.

They had a search and rescue team search the water. They didn't find her and her family and I search the banks. I am glad we weren't the ones to find her and I kept hoping and praying she changed her mind and turned around but they found her car nearby. They finally found her body and we laid her to rest. I mourned like I have never mourned someone before. The day we buried her I left the funeral and drove straight to the bridge. I am terrified of heights but that day it was like I floated up there. It was snowing and my tears were freezing immediately to my face. I looked at the railing and for a moment I thought how easy it would be to just climb over it and join her.

My faith in God was shaken after. He did not hear my cries. He did not comfort me. I felt like he turned his back on me. I was so numb. I went through the motions for months. Just kept playing church while my faith was dying inside. I ended up quitting church. This is someone who was there every time the doors opened. Involved in everything. I was disgusted with myself. I did everything for God. Where was he? I felt like everything I did for him was not enough. I felt underappreciated and bitter. I was constantly sick and used it as an excuse to drop out. I closed myself up in my house and off from the outside world.
I would take care of my son and that was it. I slept for hours and sometimes didn't get out of bed for days. I still believe in God. That has never changed. My prayer life has changed. In my mind, God is going to do what he wants to do regardless of someone like me praying for change. Why would he listen to the wailings of someone so dirty and evil like me? I have seen multitudes pray for healing to only be wrought with heartache when healing doesn't come.

Now that you know my friends story, here is my story. I want people to know what it is like to feel despair. I have been suicidal. It isn't something I asked for. No one asks to wake up not wanting to be alive. I am going to speak from my experience. Other people may feel different but I feel like it is important to get this out there. If something were to ever happen to me. It wouldn't be anyone's fault other than maybe the mental health institution in America. I have spoken to my Psychiatrist and other Doctors about my feelings. It is weird to tell a Doctor that you can't stop thinking about suicide and they just look at you and say that the only thing they can do is try some medicine or therapy. It makes me think of my friend who committed suicide and how this system failed her.

I DON'T WANT TO DIE.

I am actually terrified of the thought of death. This is something so confusing to anyone who is not in my head. I have Bipolar, PTSD, and Panic Disorder. I have high highs and very low lows.

I WANT TO GET BETTER

I am currently on 4 different medications to help with my depression, mood, and anxiety. At this moment of writing, none of them are helping. I have tried every medication. The one medication that I have been on for 17 years, the withdrawals are so bad my Dr. is afraid to take me off of it.

NEW TREATMENT

I am excited about the new ketamine treatment. I am scared that many of the people who suffer from mental illness won't be alive to get it. Ketamine infusion is expensive. This medicine could keep someone from committing suicide however it isn't affordable. The FDA has approved a medicine called Spravato that will be available soon. It will only be available in a Doctors office. It is a new medication which means it will be expensive and may not be covered by insurance.

THOUGHTS

I don't hear voices. I don't have hallucinations. I do have racing thoughts. I can be driving down the road and think, what if I just drove head on into this tree? I used to drive over a bridge every day to work. I lost cound of how many time I thought about speeding up to see if I could break through the concrete barrier to the lake below. Some thoughts are from Lucifer himself. Your child would be in better hands if you just killed yourself. You have zero friends and no one could possibly love you, you should do everyone a favor and just kill yourself. There are a lot worse that I can not even type out.

I know what the effects of suicide has had on a child and I would never intentionally kill myself. Even if I thought my son would be better off, I know that it would mess him up and he could eventually committ suicide himself. This is not an illness I would ever wish on my worst enemy. I hope that my illness is based on the drugs I did and not hereditary. I don't want my son to feel the way I do. I don't want anyone to feel like this. Just the feeling like you don't deserve to be alive. I don't feel worth of anyones love. I crave that intimacy but at the same time I don't think anyone could possibly love someone like me. I would be doing someone a disservice to let them get close to me.

I can only wait for this new treatment and maybe it will be the miracle the papers are saying it is. It would be a new life. A new beginning for so many with mental illness. I also believe it would save lives but only if it is made accessible. Thank you for reading and I hope it has given you some insight into the growing epidemic in this country especially with teenagers. Learn the signs and check on people who you have a feeling about. Statistics have shown that just a kind word or talk can change someone's mind about killing themselves. Always vote when you can and write to your representatives about strengthening mental healthcare in America.

                                                         General Statistics (USA)

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US for all ages. (CDC)

Every day, approximately 123 Americans die by suicide. (CDC)

There is one death by suicide in the US every 12 minutes. (CDC)

Depression affects 20-25% of Americans ages 18+ in a given year. (CDC)

Suicide takes the lives of over 44,965 Americans every year. (CDC)

The highest suicide rates in the US are among Whites, American Indians and Alaska Natives.

Only half of all Americans experiencing an episode of major depression receive treatment. (NAMI)

80% -90% of people that seek treatment for depression are treated successfully using therapy and/or medication. (TADS study)

An estimated quarter million people each year become suicide survivors (AAS).

There is one suicide for every estimated 25 suicide attempts. (CDC)

There is one suicide for every estimated 4 suicide attempts in the elderly. (CDC)

Global Statistics

For more information on suicide stats by region and country visit the World Health Statistics Data Visualizations Dashboard.

Nearly 800,000 people die by suicide in the world each year, which is roughly one death every 40 seconds.

Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death in the world for those aged 15-24 years.

Depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide.

Gender Disparities

Suicide among males is 4x’s higher than among females. Male deaths represent 79% of all US suicides. (CDC)

Firearms are the most commonly used method of suicide among males (51%). (CDC)

Females are more likely than males to have had suicidal thoughts. (CDC)

Females experience depression at roughly 2x’s the rate of men.(SMH)

Females attempt suicide 3x’s as often as males. (CDC)

Poisoning is the most common method of suicide for females. (CDC)

Age Disparities

1 in 100,000 children ages 10 to 14 die by suicide each year. (NIMH)

7 in 100,000 youth ages 15 to 19 die by suicide each year. (NIMH)

12.7 in 100,000 young adults ages 20-24 die by suicide each year. (NIMH)

The prevalence of suicidal thoughts, suicidal planning and suicide attempts is significantly higher among adults aged 18-29 than among adults aged 30+. (CDC)

Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for 15 to 24 year old Americans. (CDC)

Suicide is the 4th leading cause of death for adults ages 18-65. (CDC)

The highest increase in suicide is in males 50+ (30 per 100,000). (CDC)

Suicide rates for females are highest among those aged 45-54 (9 per 100,000). (CDC)

Suicide rates for males are highest among those aged 75+ (36 per 100,000). (CDC)

Suicide rates among the elderly are highest for those who are divorced or widowed. (SMH)

Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

Lesbian, gay, and bisexual kids are 3x more likely than straight kids to attempt suicide at some point in their lives.

Medically serious attempts at suicide are 4x more likely among LGBTQ youth than other young people.

African American, Latino, Native American, and Asian American people who are lesbian, gay, or bisexual attempt suicide at especially high rates.

41% of trans adults said they had attempted suicide, in one study. The same study found that 61% of trans people who were victims of physical assault had attempted suicide.

Lesbian, gay, and bisexual young people who come from families that reject or do not accept them are over 8x more likely to attempt suicide than those whose families accept them.

Each time an LGBTQ person is a victim of physical or verbal harassment or abuse, they become 2.5x more likely to hurt themselves.

Copied from: https://save.org/about-suicide/suicide-facts/

Learning to Surrender

One of the hardest things for me to do as a Christian is to let go and let God. I hold onto everything so tight. It's like I'm telling God, "No, you can't have it, it's mine". I've worried about it for so long and invested all my strength and time getting worked up about it that I don't want to let go of it. I want to be in control of it even though I've not been making any progress coming to a solution. Why do we do this to ourselves? If we would just give it over to God and let him take care of it then we would be at peace, but that's not what we do. We refuse to give it up and we end up making things worse for ourselves.

I've been struggling the past week. Homeschooling a child with ADD and Aspergers is not for the weak of heart. We are both getting burnt out and sick of each other. I know that homeschool is the best thing for my son right now. He is safe, he is getting individual attention, his curriculum is Christ centered, and he can work at his own pace. I went to Revival at my church last night and Bro. Frank Jolly said something that spoke to me. He was talking about waving the white flag and surrendering to God. That really struck a chord with me and after I couldn't stop thinking about that I got out of bed at 1 am and started researching verses about surrendering to God.

 

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.   Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.   For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Matthew 11:28-30 KJV

Proverbs 3:5-6
⁵ Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
⁶ In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Psalm 9:10
¹⁰ And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee.
 

Psalm 46:
¹⁰ Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.

James 4:8
⁸ Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.

Whenever my heart is troubled, I find solace in the word of God. It has never failed to quieten my heart when I open the bible. It's where all the answers are. If you are feeling overwhelmed hide yourself in his words. Before you open the bible pray and ask him to lead you. Most of the time when we are feeling anxious and overwhelmed its because we have strayed away and not made time for God. He is a jealous God and wants our love and devotion. He wants us to spend time with him without distractions. He craves an intimate relationship with us. We can accomplish this by setting aside time everyday to read the bible, pray, and sit quietly with him letting him speak to us. We are in the age of technology. I had friends who during the 21 day fast set strict rules for technology. They were not allowed to check social media if they hadn't done their bible study that day. Isn't that great? That's how we should be every day.

I know that I am feeling overwhelmed because I have let worry get in the way of my time with God. He has been there all the time waiting for me to come to him, but instead I have pulled the covers over my head and have been paralyzed with everything going on. What I should have done is run to the arms of my Father. That should be the first thing we do. I know I will be studying more and spending more time with him. I truly believe that will fix everything. Just giving my burdens to him and trusting him to take care of everything. He has our best interests at heart.

 

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www.facebook.com/thissinglemomneedsgrace

 

Battling a mental illness

Having a mental illness has been one of the toughest things I've had to face. I've been through a lot, but the battle inside my mind on a daily basis is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. It's a myth that Christians are all happy go lucky. Weare saved by the grace of God so we are supposed to be these perky robots with painted on smiles and nothing gets us down, but that's not the truth. You can be close to God and do everything right and still be depressed. No one is immune from depression. These  biblical characters fit all the clinical symptoms: Hagar, Moses, Naomi, Hannah, Saul, David, Solomon, Elijah, Nehemiah, Job, Jeremiah, John the Baptist, Judas Iscariot and Paul. 

I first started battling depression when I was twelve. I started having panic attacks when I was 18. Ever since then it's been a cycle of depression, anxiety, self loathing, and even suicidal thoughts. Yes, Christians contemplate suicide. You just want to stop feeling this way. I know many Christians who battle depression and some often feel ostracised by others because of their diagnosis. That's why it's important to let people know how you are feeling and make sure you are seeing a good Doctor. Having a good church family and making regular church attendance a priority can also affect your mood. When you are going through a valley fix your eyes on God and know that he will never leave you or forsake you.

Four years ago I was at my lowest point. I was in an abusive relationship. My husband gave me several concussions, sent me to the hospital twice. Our relationship ended with him behind bars for aggravated assault. I felt like I was nothing. I felt like if I just ended my life my son would be better off because he would go to live with relatives who could care for him a lot better than I had been. I texted a friend from church and long story short I did not end up taking my life that night. All I needed was for someone to step in and to check on me and stop me from what I was about to do. There is a really good documentary called "The Bridge" it is about the Golden Gate Bridge which is a destination spot for people who choose to commit suicide.  A lot of the survivors who jumped said they immediately regretted jumping. They said if just ONE PERSON had talked to them then they wouldn't have jumped. 

One of the worst things someone with depression can do is to isolate themselves. You have to get up and get out. If you are a friend, you've got to get them out or come to them. The worst thing you can do for a person who is depressed is nothing. Teens are taking their lives, kids are now taking their lives because of bullying. It's such a scary trend. The mental healthcare in America is really lacking. A lot of homelessness is due to the lack of mental healthcare. Without proper medication and counselling it's impossible to hold down a job or have relationships. I've used a lot of Pastor Rick Warren's quotes throughout this post. The Christian community was shaken when we learned of his sons passing. You just never think suicide is going to touch such a strong and faithful servant's family. 

Mental illness doesn't discriminate. It can happen to you. It doesn't matter how much money you have or how many friends you have, it can strike at anytime. It's important to be aware of the signs and symptoms. If you are having symptoms of depression or anxiety make an appointment and speak with your Doctor. Don't worry about what other people will think. Your main priority is to take care of yourself so you can take care of others. I had a primary Dr. who I loved more than anything. She described it like this. Imagine you're on an airplane, you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then put it on your child. If you don't then you're not going to be there to help your child. Dr. Huang retired but I always loved her wisdom. Mothers have a lot of responsibility. Sometimes we forget to take care of ourselves until it's too late.

If you are considering suicide call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and click the link for more information on suicide prevention and facts www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org 

Health scare and being an obsessive worrier

My friend had a health scare a couple of months ago. She found a lump in her breast and she got it checked out and thankfully it turned out to be okay. She was telling me about it and when I was in the shower the next morning I decided to do a self breast exam. I don't do them so it's not a part of my routine. I found a lump. Immediately my heart skips a beat. I'm thinking to myself, see this is why I don't do self breast exams because I am a hypochondriac.

Last Friday I went to the Dr. to get it checked out. He told me I have fibrocystic breasts and some thickening, and he found the lump. He scheduled me to have an ultrasound this coming Monday. Well since this has all happened I have been a mental case (more than usual). I have worried myself into being sick to my stomach. I have been having major waves of anxiety and just paralyzing fear. There are so many scenarios playing in my head of how this could go down.

I am a Single Mom, so anytime a health concern comes up it freaks me out. What is going to happen to my child if something happens to me? He would be an orphan.

I have only told a couple of people. My best friend and the friend who had the breast scare before. I didn't tell anyone at church to pray for me because there are so many other people who I feel need prayer more and I don't want to take away from them. I know that sounds so silly but I can't ask for prayer for myself when my aunt is going through chemo for cancer right now. I feel all the prayer power needs to be on her right now. There are others who are also battling a lot right now so I'm dealing with this on my own.

I'm not really on my own am I? I'm kinda forgetting the one person who is shaking his head at me right now. God doesn't want us to worry. He wants us to turn everything over to him. I'm a worrywart so it's kind of like I'm holding onto it saying no God this is mine I want to hold onto it. I have a very hard time letting go and trusting God. I am going to try harder. I know I need some sweet peace to come over me and whatever happens Monday, well we will deal with it.



Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7 KJV)

Ladies please do your self breast exams! Here is how: http://www.cancer.org/cancer/breastcancer/moreinformation/breastcancerearlydetection/breast-cancer-early-detection-acs-recs-bse